Mad Samurai iii

why oh why do you keep looking at me I can hear everything you are saying about me I can hear your heartbeat it seems I am your favorite topic of discussion all you have to say is what I have done wrong pointing out my strong flaws is there a point where I do right or prove might why can’t I just get right just once one time one moment one right decision on my part I do not understand I try try try some more never good enough simply never good always ends tragedy disastrous disastrous tragedy maybe I should just go away disappear vanish from existence cease to exist in world I ruin  for a very long time cause you no more pain if I was not around would you still talk about me would you miss me would I still be your favorite topic of discussion would I still feel judged would you even notice would there be a void or a missing feeling where I once was or would you replace me with another object of your unhappiness afraid to leave the house or sit in darkness alone I must love pain I must love pain I must love pain you inflict with words I keep coming back returning revolving I keep wanting more I miss you when you are gone you never have anything good to say yet I keep coming back turning around the moment you pass I keep thinking maybe this time will be different from the last time I felt the same way maybe I am ashamed I am afraid of you yet I keep facing my fears and running to you or is it that I love the torture do I find joy in pain or seeking escape the entire time I’m with you I keep thinking of running from you running far far far away into an oblivious existence how far can I run away alone far away from all of it with myself until the silence drives me insane and I run right back till I’m too close for comfort to be had before I no longer feel insane trapped in this rollercoaster love cycle pain trapped in this wheel this way insane the brain in its infinite wisdom cannot save me from being this way I’m a slave trapped in the ways of pain conditioned paralyzed too lame to get up and walk away from the never ending cycle of successful defeat to fail again again and again

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